


Underneath this hard surface we are crumbling

by sugarandspace



Series: 3B fics [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s03e11 Lost Souls, Lack of Communication, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 09:08:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17998967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: Their situation is fragile, and Alec feels incredibly clumsy.





	Underneath this hard surface we are crumbling

**Author's Note:**

> There's not enough time between episodes to write all the things I want to write smh
> 
>  
> 
> ...but waiting a whole week to know what happens next feels like torture sometimes.

Alec comes back to the loft and sees that Magnus is keeping himself busy like he usually is these days, this time rearranging the large bookshelf in the living room. He’s smiling, humming, and he doesn’t stop even when he sees Alec arrive.

“Hello Alexander, I was thinking we could watch a movie tonight?” The question is paired with a smile and a brief look towards Alec before Magnus is moving again.

“That sounds good,” Alec replies, taking off his boots and hanging his jacket up. “Let me just take a quick shower first.”

Magnus hums in agreement and continues his work, while Alec walks towards the bathroom with a weight on his chest and a lump in his throat. 

He goes to the bathroom but doesn’t bother locking the door because he knows for sure that Magnus won’t be joining him. Alec has noticed that Magnus is avoiding intimacy, their nights ending with a movie more often than not these days.

Alec gets in the shower and lets the warm water pour over him. He tries to relax but it feels like it’s yet another impossible task. He hasn’t felt calm since - well, he doesn’t remember. 

It feels like there’s so much going on and Alec doesn’t feel in control of anything. 

But right now, he’s not busy and he’s not surrounded by other people. He’s having a moment of quiet, and it’s relieving as much as it is haunting. He doesn’t need to be strong, and he can let go.

Alec surrenders to the sting he feels behind his eyes, the tears of frustration springing to his eyes. It’s like he deflates, all fight leaving him in one long exhale. He sits on the floor of the shower and holds his head in his hands, crying for the situation they have found themselves in. Everything is too much, and he feels like he’s suffocating.

There’s so much going on, and he feels like he’s alone in it. They all have their own issues to work on and Alec can’t burden anyone with his own - doesn’t want to. His problems are nothing compared to what Jace is going through, or what Magnus is going through. He’s not the one who should be breaking.   

Jace is struggling and Alec has no idea how to help. He fears for his brother and knows that if he doesn’t do something soon, things are going to get a lot worse. Jace feels guilty for all he did under the possession of the Owl, and he misses Clary like crazy. 

And Alec finds himself missing her too. When she first entered their lives, Alec would have given almost anything to get rid of her. But during the months they had been working together the redhead had grown on him - had grown on them all. It’s not the same, with her gone.  

Then there’s everything that’s going on with Magnus. Magnus sacrificed his powers to help them and Alec doesn't know how to feel about that. Thankful, yes, but also incredibly guilty. It’s obvious Magnus feels lost without his powers, and instead of letting that show, he’s going back to his old ways of pretending to be fine. But Alec knows, he knows that Magnus is far from okay. He just doesn’t know how to bring that up without upsetting Magnus further. He doesn’t have the words that would make Magnus feel better.

And then there are all the escaped prisoners they’re trying to capture, each new escapee more dangerous that the previous one. 

All this, and it hasn’t even been three days since he almost died. On the other hand he shouldn’t complain. He’s fine, he’s completely healed, not even a scar left behind from the arrow that had pierced his heart. But he remembers - he remembers with vivid detail how it felt like to lie there, watch at his possessed brother and feel like a failure. He couldn’t save him, and now Jace would have to live with the memory of his death too. He remembers thinking that it wasn't fair that he was going to die now, when things were finally looking good.

He didn’t have the luxury of taking a few days to recover, because so much was happening and it was an all hands on deck kind of a situation. He was constantly on the move, and for the most part it worked as a distraction. The thoughts didn’t have time to catch him if he kept busy.

He wonders if that’s how Magnus feels, too.

To the outsiders it might look like nothing has changed. They both still seem strong, even though they are breaking inside. And their relationship appears nothing less than perfect to those around them. But who are they pretending for? If they’re not going to talk and work together to make things better again, who will?

Alec knows they should talk, that they should be honest with each other. But he’s scared. He’s afraid to disturb the facade of okayness they have going on, because what if he does something wrong. Their situation is fragile, and he feels incredibly clumsy. 

So he gets out of the shower and dries off, dressing to some comfy clothes before joining Magnus in the living room. He’ll pretend that he believes Magnus’ smiles, and he will smile back with equal amounts of pretending. He’ll play his part in the imaginary that they are both okay.

Because he doesn’t know how they could get back to how they were, and he’s afraid of what’s waiting for them in the future. 

What they are left with is the moment where they are not okay, but they’re not fully broken either. 

**Author's Note:**

> I would have loved to work on this a bit more but the new episode will air tonight and I'm running out of time.
> 
>  
> 
> [You can find me from tumblr too!](https://www.sugarandspace.tumblr.com)


End file.
